FUNNIEE

YOU'RE NEXT
When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

PHONE BOOK
Once, a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it." The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

Coming Home Late
A woman was complaining to her neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' That sure cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?" "His name is Bill," said the neighbor

FORTUNE TELLER
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh; he went inside and sat down. "Ah...," said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children.""That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."

CORPORATE BOSS
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "Well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two calls him boss!"